Escaping the Grip of Unrealistic expectations.

When thoughts arise like…..

I should be better. They SHOULD be better.

Marriage should be easy.

My partner needs to make me happy.

The world should be fair.

Everyone should like me.

This was supposed to be the highlight of my life.

My kids should be well behaved.

These ideas are EXHAUSTING and total JOY KILLERS. There is no magical formula to success and we don’t deserve easy lives, let’s chat about it.

I had a mentor once that said, “don’t should on yourself”. There is no room for grace, gratitude and curiosity when we have these high expectations. These ideas come from a place of fear. I don’t know if you are spiritual people but most people I work with have some kind of spiritual connection and I always ask them, where is God (spirit, universe)? You say you believe in a greater power but your actions are as if you are God. Maybe assigning a client to look for evidence of a higher power in their life.

Faith and trust.

The most damaging these expectations can be is with others. It’s so hurtful. Newlyweds expecting their partners to fix their sadness that is your job. People subconsciously having children to fix their sadness. It’s a shitty motive to expand in family. If you are suffering with your expectations of others, you probably are insanely hard on yourself. Start with finding a home within you. Building your own security with self. Starting your own healing process so you can become aware of your patterns and how you project your fear on others. Hint, hint, you can do that here in coaching.

You can get curious about your expectations. Is this serving my highest good? Am I hurting others? Where did I get this idea that these things need to look like this? Identify the fear place, feel those feelings and give yourself what you need (security, safety, love, nurture, reassurance, stability, consistency, support).

Often times these expectations keep people from doing the thing. Avoiding challenges all together in fear it won’t be perfect. And it won’t. I have clients start small and begin dipping their toes in being messy, being authentic. Like exposure therapy almost. Maybe it feels big like doing standup comedy, or publishing a writing online, talking to a stranger, laughing with their natural open mouth laugh that they typically try to hide, saying the thing, going LIVE online, being seen in their truth. My clients find that when they are being honest and imperfect it’s familiar to people, it resonates, and sticks, people take to it. In our digitally obsessed world filled with filters and people only posting the fairy tale, raw and real is familiar and comforting. A little gift of being human. That is your invitation to start showing up as yourself. In that there comes acceptance that when I am being authentic not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay. Acceptance and surrender.

I find that giving others the benefit of the doubt is my biggest flex in compassion. Fantastic for marriage and parenting. Giving out what I want in return. When I am hurt by my husband, I acknowledge those feelings and talk to him about them, but I am careful not to attack him, hold it over him, or feel as though he is my savior by any means. I am in charge of managing my emotions.

Many moons ago I learned that people are just not that powerful (to make me feel anything) and to stop giving my power away. By practicing softening with others, I inherently give that same energy to myself (and Gawd knows, I NEED IT).  Being flexible creates opportunity for MORE. It allows us to put the fantasy aside and stand eye to eye with another human. Instead of feeling like someone is taking from me because they said they would do something and didn’t I can CHOOSE to get curious and talk about my own feelings. Using my words to be direct and choose to be in adult relationships can sound like - Hey, you said you were going to do this, I see you haven’t, could we do it together? I am assuming the person is swamped and focusing on them rather than me. When I practice compassion and give people the benefit of the doubt, I avoid getting stuck in my own narrative. I give myself the ability to view life from abundance and love rather than fear, lack and control.

Remember that you can create new rules and beliefs that actually inspire, support, and serve both you and your relationships.